Bad Spirits
I am tired of not sleeping. I am tired of waking up every hour upon the hour hot and stressed out. I am taking natural supplements and still nothing help. Last night I had the most awful dream. I recall having this type of dream years ago, the feeling that I had been attacked and seriously wounded while I slept, and I struggled to awaken, realizing I would die, and fighting to have some clarity as to whether this was real or a dream. Waiting for the final blow. Slowly waking up. Realizing I was in my bed. Of course I could not sleep after that. Another sleepless night, I think around 4am I finally drifted off and I slept through my alarm. That is three days in a row now. The oddest thing is how my cat Theo was acting towards me this morning. Afraid of me. Running from me, trying to hide, as though I sounded or smelled different to him. This is one Friday I wish would just end. I am usually a fairly level headed person but I am having a hard time lately putting a healthy perspective on things. I am sure it is just exhaustion. And of course the weekend is here and I must do all these things and make everyone happy and there not enough hours to do what I need to do to make up for all I cannot do all week. Of course this will keep me up all night again, thinking of it, wanting to just sleep.
Lonely Blog
Once upon a time there was a lonely blog called two mile blog. No one ever read this blog and the few or even one who may occasionally read it never left comments anymore. This made the blog very sad, so sad in fact the blog wandered aimlessly down the two mile road looking for other, more loved blogs.
Exhausted the blog gave up and returned to its empty halls and blank walls. The blog read a self help for blogs book, but still nothing changed. The blog decided to hell with the words and other blogs, I will just love myself.
The end
How "dare" Mr. Christie
Two friends and me went on a ghost tour last summer that started at the ROM and was specifically through the University area. It was all very fascinating but the story that stayed with me the longest and disturbed me the most was that of Mr. Christie. We all grew up munching Mr. Christie's cookies, and viewing his cute clever commercials on TV. Mr Chrisie apparently made more than good cookies.
The ghost story connected with his mansion in Millionaires' Row AKA Queen's Park Crescent is as follows. Even though the Christie Mansion is not affiliated with University of Toronto, like the ROM and QueenÂs Park, it still is within the Bay, College, Spadina, and Bloor block. Apparently Mr. Christie had his secret lover hidden away in a secret room. Because she was not allowed to venture out in case Mrs. Christie would find her, the young mistress hung herself out of misery and isolation. Mr. Christie and his bribed servant Robert ended up carrying the body out of the house and buried it elsewhere. To this day the all women's residence of St. Joseph's College has had interesting experiences in the room where the young lady was allegedly kept. The room is now a library/study area for the women. On certain occasions when individuals have been studying in the room, the doors have mysteriously shut on their own, locking the people in. It takes someone on the outer side of the door to let the person out.
You would like to think a man who made yummy cookies for people would not lock up and imprison a woman for sex and thereby cause her death. Fact or fiction?
TO DO
My to do list keeps getting longer and longer and longer. I have reminders to look at the to do list from four months ago. Some days when I have time I take the old to do lists and I complile them onto the new to do lists and then I have an updated to do list, but this takes time, time I could be spending doing things on the to do list of recent. It is my dream to come home after this god awful commute from hell henceforth known as TGCFH and actually not have a to do list. Maybe -do laundry or -get groceries. I can handle that. Meanwhile I will work into the night, not work out as much as I should thereby making me old stiff and crochety, just to battle the never ending Dorian Grey to do list.
I love music. I could listen to music all day on my ipod, come home and turn it on and fall asleep to it. What a diverse, wonderful assortment availble to us. At our fingertips. An exploration of culture, sound, smell and life. Yet most people sit and watch TV all night. Silent. Reality TV, which seems rather unreal to me. The TV execs are smart, they know people have an obscene interest in other peoples' lives. We like to watch it unfold. It is escapism. It is also not healthy. Lets be obsessed with music instead. It inspires thought, conversation, emotion and desire. And it is all yours.
Take time off
I want to take a year off to write and promote my jewelry business. How does one do that? How does one survive? I know the world of grants and free money, for the most part a media driven hype, and for the few that are lucky enough to get a grant they had to sell their first born child. I have worked my entire life, since the age of fourteen, I raised my child alone, and now at the best time of my life I would like a break to pursue the things I KNOW I am good at and can make a living doing. It is not unreal. It is not in my mind, or wishful thinking. I read in the metro today about a bureaucrat setting up a website for donations so he can quit his job and do something meaningful in the world. How about donating to this lady who raised her child alone, worked her entire life and never asked for a thing from anyone. And I won't pretend it is for a cause more worthy than myself.
Tired Cranky judgmental
Having previously said I am not going to complain on my BLOG let me start by saying this is just fact and an obvious observation. Women take on too much. We have a lot to offer, and a lot of time to make up for what our ancestors could not do. I am too old for the married kid thing and did not do a great job at being conventional, at all. I do not worry about what was, but I am greatly stressed about what will be. What do I have? Nada. I never cared about security, that was for boring people who were sheep, doing what they were told. I have NEVER owned a house. I have never owned anything really. I have no savings to speak of, no RRSP's, no pension plan. All I have is my desire to take all the talent I possess and use it to my advantage to get ahead. I always had this desire, I just did not have the time and resources. So why do I feel so stressed? I want to walk away from it all some days, and go back to my nice inexpensive apartment and stress free job and quiet life that I left behind. This feeling seldom lasts. I love it here. I hate my job, and I really need to get the balls to quit, but my latest excuse is I need money for my sons wedding adn trip, and I will quit after that. Maybe the truth is I am afraid I am not good enough to take on a real job in the city, this job being such a joke for the most part. Insecurity? Moi? Who would have thought. I am tired of trying to sell my jewelry, tired of stores not following through, tired of making them, tired of doing it all myself. I work 14 hours a day, when exactly am I supposed to find time to sell them, to call on stores? The answer is apparent and my doom impending. There are no breaks, no easy road for those of an artistic nature. Perhaps I should get laid off and re-train myself for a solid place in the world. Blech.....me thinks not......so....... I envision myself a published author sitting on Oprah's couch.....damn I am good.....Undisciplined perhaps......and I better be honest cause "no one lies to the oprah "
Simone de Beauvoir: feminist vs. revelation
I am a huge Simone de Beauvoir fan. I admire, revere, adore her brain, her insights, her strength. If you have not read her "The Second Sex, 1949 " GO DO IT NOW. Matter of fact I will assist you in a link where you can read it at your liesure.
Chapter 1, The Data of Biology
WOMAN? Very simple, say the fanciers of simple formulas: she is a womb, an ovary; she is a female – this word is sufficient to define her. In the mouth of a man the epithet female has the sound of an insult, yet he is not ashamed of his animal nature; on the contrary, he is proud if someone says of him: ‘He is a male!’ The term ‘female’ is derogatory not because it emphasises woman’s animality, but because it imprisons her in her sex; and if this sex seems to man to be contemptible and inimical even in harmless dumb animals, it is evidently because of the uneasy hostility stirred up in him by woman. Nevertheless he wishes to find in biology a justification for this sentiment. The word female brings up in his mind a saraband of imagery – a vast, round ovum engulfs and castrates the agile spermatozoan; the monstrous and swollen termite queen rules over the enslaved males; the female praying mantis and the spider, satiated with love, crush and devour their partners; the bitch in heat runs through the alleys, trailing behind her a wake of depraved odours; the she-monkey presents posterior immodestly and then steals away with hypocritical coquetry; and the most superb wild beasts – the tigress, the lioness, the panther – bed down slavishly under the imperial embrace of the male. Females sluggish, eager, artful, stupid, callous, lustful, ferocious, abased – man projects them all at once upon woman. And the fact is that she is a female. But if we are willing to stop thinking in platitudes, two questions are immediately posed: what does the female denote in the animal kingdom? And what particular kind of female is manifest in woman?
Grants
The government is spending 150,000 on a grant to study flying squirrels and their sexual behaviour. There is a surpluss of grant money out there, if it is not allocated then they do not get the repeat amount etc. I wonder how hard it would be to get a grant? I have come up with the following topics I think I am more than qualified to study.
1. Men who wear see through mesh hats and have keys dangling out of their pockets, study of eating habits and vocabulary. 1,000,000
2. A study as to the legitimacy of the phrase "breeding like rabbits." 185,000
3. Sex and Hernandos Margarita's, is there a connection? 999,000
4. Teenage boys and pants done up at the knees. How do they keep them up? 2,000,000
Urban Graffiti
I am fasinated lately with urban graffiti. From washrooms, to obscure parks to busy downtown, Toronto is ablaze in raw talent. Murals can be found everywhere and the darkest washrooms in the deepest dungeons can be a little bit of heaven for this photographer.
THE BEST TEES EVER
You want a cool, original, crafty, clever, evil, sexy, mad tee? Then click on the link !!!
http://www.threadless.com/?streetteam=pandorart
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The world of Bloggers
I find it difficult to find time to put my thoughts on paper so to speak, every day. I am not comfortable with my blog turning into a forum to complain. I am not going to write about the weather or what I dislike about things and people. The world is full of much more important issues that concern me. I do not want to rant..... is anyone going to care? Have BLOGS evolved?
I have decided that when I can, I will write about the things I aspire to do and have, thereby maybe giving me some incentive. Today I am thinking a lot about writing. I think I am a good writer, is so far as I have edge, which is a good thing. Good for the stories, not always good for the writer. I have no formal training in writing nor did I get a degree in English, although I would have loved to been able to do so. The old story, single parent raising the child alone. That is old news.....I really want to write. Is there a market in it? Am I good enough? My stories actually move me when I edit them, I would like to think they are full of life and characters who speak to a wide audience. I sometimes think I should tone it down a bit, just because I think fast and crazy and somewhat obscene is the "STUFF" of life, does not mean others will.
What is a good publisher to send to?
